My recent reminder of why I started this business - A personal post

Last night I had another reminder of why I started this business (not that I needed it!)

Each day I am immersed in this world so I hear and see lots of terrible stories and examples of what kids are seeing and doing on their phones and social media and the affects. When I first started a couple of years ago, I just wanted to take my daughters phone and switch it all off.  I know this is not the solution though. Regardless of what we feel about social media, phones, screens, gaming – this is the world our kids are growing up in. They need to learn how to manage their online worlds so they stay safe and behave responsibly online. Banning everything will not help them get there, but slowing down what and when they are allowed access to, will help.

The rules in our house are that phones stay downstairs over-night; we know the passwords and can access the phone at any time. It has been like that since my eldest got her phone. Non-negotiable.  

At first, I was checking the phone regularly to see both what she was being sent or accessing and also to see how she was behaving and speaking to people.  I fully trust my daughter to behave responsibly and kindly online and not access anything we have not approved in terms of apps, social media etc. Do I think she’ll push the boundaries and make mistakes at some point? Absolutely! She’s a teenager and we’re only at the beginning! She needs to make mistakes to learn – I just want to mitigate the risks of them being dangerous and for her to know that whatever those mistakes are – we can sort it out.

We’ve had lots and lots of difficult, awkward, embarrassing (for her) conversations. Many far earlier than I would’ve liked. But I know that despite whatever chats, rules, boundaries and trust we may have, she WILL be exposed to content or situations that she is not ready to deal with. So those continuous conversations are crucial to make sure she feels safe and comfortable telling us when something goes wrong, because it will and it nearly did recently.

My daughter is in Year 8 and was added to a group chat for a party of people in her year group but who she doesn’t spend any time with. She left the group as it was getting lost of spam and rubbish sent through – she was added back. Thankfully she hadn’t looked at any of the messages that came through since – I did however.

On this group chat there were about 10 videos shared of absolutely vile and disturbing content. I struggled with what I saw, as an adult! I was about to go to bed and had to go and watch some mindless TV to clear my head of what I’d seen. Without going into too much detail the content consisted of:

Graphic violence, resulting in bloodshed.

Graphic and disturbing sexual content

Mocking of disabled children

Racism

Suicide and hostage situations resulting in death.

Honestly, many of the videos I couldn’t watch to the end or didn’t want to watch again to confirm anything further. They were horrific. They were sent by a child to a group of other children, some of whom were laughing about them or praising the content! They are promoting it to each other and becoming desensitised to it. Where do they go from here? What are they going to look for next?

On this occasion I was able to prevent my daughter from seeing this horrific content. I know I won’t always be so lucky.

So, what can we do?

• Keep all devices out of bedrooms
• Make sure you know your child’s passcodes and passwords. Be open and upfront about this and the reasons why – don’t start a spy game, this will destroy any trust you build.
• Check their phone, know who they are talking to and what apps they are using, then you can more easily recognise when something unfamiliar comes up. I don’t read my daughters messages between friends that I know are good friends, they need some privacy and space to be themselves and so far, she’s proven to me she can be trusted.
• KEEP TALKING! This is an ongoing situation that will continue to evolve and throw up different issues. Use any opportunity to discuss something in the news, or that they show you on social media, it doesn’t need to be intense serious conversations all the time, just quick learns and check- ins so they know you’re on their side and you’re aware of their world.
• Make sure your child knows they can come to you if they receive upsetting content. They are not to blame for receiving it – what they do with it from then on, does rest on them though.
• Don’t fall into the ‘it wouldn’t happen in our school/house/community/circle of friend’s trap. Anywhere you can get Wi-Fi – this is happening! Your location, size of house or family, income, job or marriage status is all irrelevant.
• It has to start with Parents. I am a Governor at a High School and see how much of their time is spent dealing with issues from social media and phone use. And this is a school where no phones are allowed during school hours. Stop waiting for schools to deal with it, for the Government to pass the Online Safety Bill or big Tech companies to tighten their restrictions and monitoring of their content. Your child is going through this now. 
• Be kind to yourself! Just take action, one step, on chat at a time and you’re making far more progress than those that don’t. We can’t solve it all in a day but we can start today.

I wanted to share this story with you because I hope it will alert you to importance of knowing what your child is up to online and also as a reminder that I am in the digital parenting trenches with you, going through this every day with my two children and I will share my experience and results first-hand. This is a global issue, we need to support each other and continue to learn.

Whatever stage your child is at you can start now - there is no shame in not knowing something or not being aware of the scale of the problem or risks. I can confidently say I wouldn't be if I hadn't started Screen-Safe! 

So let me help you build your knowledge and confidence and understand what steps you need to take to help you help your child stay safer online, because they need to be involved too.